Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can't remember a single time I've ever forgotten anything.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do!
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring...
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
A year ago, I got a subscription to a magazine for mentally ill people.
Now I have many issues.
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, "Where would you find the time?"
I said, "Easy. Right next to the sage."
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!"
"Sure, it does." I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...
Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
Add Spring Water!
My wife and I are considering adoption.
We just need to figure out where to sign our kids up.
People who sell meat are disgusting, but someone who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.
My neighbors listen to awesome music
Whether they like it or not
I was going to join the debating team
Until I was talked out of it
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I have a brain like a computer.
It was made in the early 80's and is now obsolete.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if i didnt stop singing 'Im a believer'...
Then i saw her face.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I've ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know
3 unwritten rules of life...
1.
2.
3.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
